Up, Up and Away

Some time ago, I wrote about my aviation experiences in the U.S. Air Force. The reality, however, is that I have far more hours as a passenger on various commercial carriers than I had in Air Force aircraft. I will grant you, some of the USAF stories are funnier, especially for having been part of them, but I've seen a great deal more and made far more observations as a passenger.

Do I have a favorite airline? I don't think so, although there are some I prefer to others. Domestic flights along the eastern seaboard I guess it would be Delta. They still give you a drink and a package of peanuts or pretzels. US Airways, on the other hand gives you a drink and only first class passengers get the peanuts and pretzels. Delta also has wi-fi on virtually all their flights although it's $8.95 for the flight which is a tad pricy. International? I'm partial to Continental, if for no other reason than their flights to Europe originate from Newark rather than JFK. I would, however, like the chance to fly Lufthansa as I have heard nothing but good things about them.

Today’s flight was a first for me, partly thanks to my lovely bride. I had one carry-on suitcase with no clothes to bring home so I expected it would be nice and light. I look into it and what doe I see? Two rolls of wallpaper, a tiny frying pan and an electric can-opener. I put my foot down and said that I was NOT going through the security checkpoint with an electric can-opener in my satchel. For the first time, I had to go through a full-body scanner. And wouldn’t you know it, I had to get a pat-down, too. No biggie on either count. But my suitcase? Guess what two rolls of wallpaper look like on an x-ray machine. So, unpack the suitcase, run the wallpaper through the x-ray then re-pack it. And now my sunglasses are missing. Grrrrrr……….. And while we’re on the subject of firsts, I finally experienced a full-body scanner. The only difference is it takes longer than walking through a magnetometer. And then I STILL had to get my left upper thigh patted down even though there was nothing in my left pockets. As I posted on FB, I’ve had better….

Years ago, George Carlin came up with one of the great lines about flying. It goes something like this: “When they say it's time to get on the airplane,’ I say ‘f@ck you, I'm getting IN the airplane.’” Fly with Joy, Sara and/or me and you will almost inevitably hear something to that effect when they begin calling for boarding. And while we're on the subject of boarding, what is this crap about "pre-boarding?" I get the fact that some people need assistance such as elderly, handicapped or parents with squalling brats...er, I mean, young children. But PRE-boarding. I always thought that was the sitting around in the waiting area. One someone steps onto the aircraft, they are boarding. No? Is it just me, then? (And can I give you some advice? If you ever have the misfortune of having to fly Southwest, bring a cane and limp. They have no assigned seating and it’s like a cattle-call. But if you are handicapped, you get to pre-board. SH*T! Now they have me doing it.)

Next comes the carry-on suitcase tango. Now, they have a thing with which you can measure your carry-on bag but, much like driving and stop signs, the measuring thing seems more advisory than mandatory. Folks, I do understand the preference to avoid the luggage carousels and the fees airlines now charge for checked bags. But get a freakin’ grip. There is an old axiom of physics that two pieces of matter cannot simultaneously occupy the same space. The practical airline consideration is that if your bag is too damn over-stuffed IT WILL NOT FIT! Do we understand that?

And on the subject of boarding, I have a limited tolerance for the First Class passengers being boarded first. They do pay a premium, so I can understand that. But in coach, WHY, WHY, WHY do they not board from the aft forward? That two pieces of matter thing applies to two people in the aisle, too. It just seems to me that loading from the aft forward would make it smoother and faster, especially when they’re pushing to get off on time. Just a thought....

How many of you can just about recite from memory the standard safety briefing? Honestly. In this day and age, is it REALLY necessary to explain how a seat belt clasp operates? Could maybe someone at FAA-land rewrite that reg? And if you can't actually recite the safety briefing, can you imitate the two-finger pointing towards the exits? And in the event of a water landing, my best suggestion is pray that Sully Sullenberger is your pilot. ‘Nuf said on that subject.

Here's a part if my USAF background and my obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I tend to follow crew directions. When they say it's time to turn off all electronic devices, I turn them off. I do not try to read that extra paragraph or send that extra text message or get that extra high score at Tetris or Pong or whatever. I am stunned by the number of people, adults, I mean, who just ignore that. Now I’m no expert in avionics but I am a pretty good amateur scientist when it comes to gravity. I know for a fact things that go up come down. They tell you to turn these things off for a reason. I don’t care if the chances of a stray electron screwing up the avionics is vanishingly small. If the chances are not zero, WHY TAKE THE F@CKING CHANCE? It bugs me to have to turn off my iPad and not be able to read below 10,000 feet but I also understand that they do these things for a reason.

Stephanie Miller claims that every time she flies it’s on Screaming Baby Airlines. I will admit to being fortunate to have almost never been subjected to infants crying on a flight. That’s not to say it won't happen in the future but thus far I have been spared.

Remember that I like flying and everything that goes along with it. One of the things that go along with flying is rough air. Having been through weather training as part of my flight training I understand a bit of what to expect in terms of winds and turbulent air. Here’s one of my dirty little secrets: I get a kick out of turbulence. I don't mean the kind that is so rough that food and beverage service become impossible. (And, FYI, that is how the severity of turbulence is gauged, how difficult food and beverage service is.) No, I mean the kind that you would pay an A ticket at the amusement park to experience. The worst I have ever experienced was when twenty or so of us were flying to Spokane, Wash. to attend USAF Basic Survival training. Over the Cascade Mountains we experienced severe turbulence which we uniformed smart asses were enjoying. An old lady sitting among us, however, cursed at us because she assumed the pilot was doing it for our benefit. My daughter just thinks I’m insane.

Oh, and of course, whenever possible, I have to sit next to a window. Why you ask? Well, it’s simple. If the GPS (SatNav for you Euro folk), INS and all the other navigational gear malfunctions, I need to be near a window so I can see outside and save the day by doing map-reading dead-reckoning navigation. I AM a qualified navigator, you know. (My fraternity big brother was also in the USAF and he was a KC-135 pilot. That’s the military version of the Boeing 707. He always had the fantasy that both pilots would have heart attacks and he would be the one to save the day by flying the airplane. I also figure I could do a reasonable job in those circumstances. I have over 1500 hours of airline flight time on Microsoft Flight Simulator.)

The first time I ever set foot on an airplane was in July 1969. My mother and I were doing a three week tour to Israel, Rome, Zurich and London. Even then I knew I needed to sit next to the window. My mother was in the center seat. About an hour after we climbed out of JFK, she nudges me and says, “What’s that thing?” I look out the window expecting to see another airplane or a flying saucer or the Starship Enterprise. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary I ask what she’s talking about. “That thing. The thing following us.” Again, I look out the window. Mind you, we were sitting on the starboard side about where the wing root hits the fuselage and the airframe was a 707. Again, seeing nothing, I ask what she’s talking about. Now clearly agitated, she says, “The thing following us right next to us.” I look again and it dawns on me. I ask her if she means the thing that says “EL AL” in English and Hebrew. She says, “Yes! That thing that’s following us.” I then have to explain that the thing she is referring to is an engine and if it’s NOT following us we’re all in deep doo-doo. Later that same trip, on the flight from Tel Aviv to Rome, we were delayed several hours. El-Al was short of airframes and had to rent one from UTA. So, teenage smartass that I was, I ask the crew why we had to get one from Hertz Rent-a-Plane. I followed that one up by asking if the delay was because they were waiting for the glue on the wings to dry. You could get away with that sort of thing in 1969, even in Israel.

I mentioned earlier that airline seat belts are pretty simple to figure out. Ever look at the seat belt arrangement for the flight crew? In addition to the lap belt, there is also a shoulder harness with an inertia-reel locking mechanism, just like in your car. That means that at a certain deceleration, the belt locks and holds you in place. Now, with exception of cars like the Bugatti Veyron or Ferrari 599, most cars top out at well under the speed at which most airliners land. And what do they want you to do in an emergency? Lean forward against the seat in front of you. Why, you may ask? Well, to prevent you being thrown forward when the air frame comes to a rest, usually pretty suddenly. Being thrown forward in such circumstances can snap your spine like a dry twig. (That’s why Yankees catcher Thurman Munson died in his plane crash. He did not have his shoulder harness on and his back broke. Paralyzed, he was unable to escape from the flaming aircraft.) Anyway, as so often, I digress. If your car has a shoulder harness mandated by Federal regulations, why don’t airline seats? Two explanations have been put forward. The first is a crock: it would make people nervous. Does it make them nervous in an eighty-mile per hour car? Then why should it make them nervous in a 580 mph airplane? The real reason is the cost. The airlines don’t want to go to the expense of retrofitting shoulder harnesses. So, folks, as with so many other things associated with airlines, just keep bending over.

And finally, we come to landings. They are another segment of flight where, when you travel with Joy and/or me, you will hear the same sort of things every time. As a B-52 navigator, I learned to dread the prospect of the co-pilot landing the aircraft. They tend to slam the air frame onto the runway and bounce a bit, mostly because they are less experienced and get fewer landings than the aircraft commander a/k/a pilot. So, as soon as we touch down and the air brakes deploy, one of us will make an evaluation as to whether the pilot or co-pilot landed.

There is one final postscript to flying and that’s the getting the luggage at your destination. In all the times I have ever flown, I have only had two incidents of lost luggage. The first was in the USAF days when I was returning from B-52 training. Guess which one they lost. Yes, the one with all my flying gear. That was fun explaining it to my squadron commander until United managed to locate it and get it to me. The second time was the fault of the idiot who mistook my bag for hers. Joy, Sara and I have our own TV reference for the baggage carousel, too. If you have every seen the North Africa episode of “Absolutely Fabulous,” you will immediately understand why one of us will always say something along the lines of, “Gee. I wonder where Patsy and Eddie are.”

So there you have it, my take on commercial aviation. It’s not exactly like flying or navigating the airplane yourself but it’s the best I’ve got. Joy knows I’m like a puppy dog. Want me to agree to go somewhere? Just say, “But you’ll get to fly on an airplane.” You had me at “fly.”