What I Have Learned About Women

I was briefly tempted to write the title and then for the text to simply print “Nothing. The End.” But that would be far too glib, even for me, and not much entertainment for anyone reading it. But, in a very real sense, that would be a factual statement. I cannot actually say I have learned anything about women in the sense that I learned that two times two equals four (I did check that out on a calculator), that World War I ended on November 11, 1918 or that Mickey Mantle won the Triple Crown in 1956. Thus, in terms of objective, provable facts, I cannot say that I have “learned” anything about women. And other than clinical or genetic testing, I’m not sure that ANY man can truthfully say that he has. I have, however, from the vantage point of 57+ years of life made a number of observations that, I believe, are worth something and from which some conclusions may be drawn.

One of the things my mother taught me was to treat women with respect. (She also taught me some other things which I will mention later on that were far less valuable.) Now by treating them with respect, I do not mean placing women on a pedestal or like some fragile or idealized figure that has to be protected from the vicissitudes of the world. I also do not mean to treat a woman like the sexist definition of a “lady.” I try to be respectful and polite to everyone. If that means that I open a door or help someone on with their coat, so be it. There is nothing wrong nor sexist in being polite and genteel. In fact, I find it the height of boorishness to not be. Have I encountered women who buy into the theory that any courtesy is, by definition, sexism? Yes I have. Does it deter me from maintaining politeness? No it doesn’t. In those situations, I simply acknowledge the person’s choice and allow them the courtesy of behaving in a way that makes them feel comfortable. And this is as true in the bedroom as it is in public. It is a matter of learning what the person with whom you are with prefers and living up to that standard of behavior.

I have learned that it is entirely possible for a man and a woman to be friends. Some people swear this is a complete impossibility. They believe that by definition, men are looking for only one thing. That may be true in many cases but it is not a universal truth. And I am not referring to straight women with gay male friends. I’m talking about men with a healthy interest in women in every sense of the word. Is there some sexual tension? There may very well be. Is it possible to be attracted to another person and still maintain a friendship without sexual overtones interfering with the friendship? I say it is. I have had and still have many female friends. (This DID cause certain problems for me as a youth. I never quite saw what the problem was if I played…no I mean the innocent type of play…with a girl. Girls were human, too, but it was sometimes tough to be considered a sissy just because you liked their company.) My wife has always been aware of the fact that some of the people I consider my closest friends are women. With one (and that was a big one) exception, it has never bothered her. Part of that is trust in the fidelity of our marriage. But part of it is an acknowledgement that friendship is friendship. Am I attracted to a number of my female friends? Hey, look, I’m a guy and I’m not dead. But I have learned to keep such considerations from “contaminating” the friendship. Am I flattered when a woman is attracted to me? Well, yeah. I have an ego, too. But my friendships have been just that and my female friends know that I am very happily married and that I love my wife.

I have learned that there is no such thing as too many shoes and that the corollary is there may not be too many purses either. I have come to understand that when a man says a pair of black shoes, he means just that. One black pair for the gray and blue suits, one brown pair for the browns, tans and greens, and maybe one pair of each for dress and one pair of each for casual. When a woman says a pair of black shoes it has a myriad of meanings. Are they flats? Are they stilettos? Are they pumps? Do they have an ankle strap? Are they a two inch heel or a four inch? Are they for work or for sporty casual or for the new black spaghetti strap dress? The questions can go on ad infinitum but the important thing is to realize that shoes are important. (If you really need a lesson in this, watch any season, hell, any episode, of Sex in the City. You will understand.) Was Imelda Marcos excessive? Probably. Three thousand pairs of shoes and a thousand purses is, arguably, excessive, even if she suffered from OC/PR. But I have learned never to ask the question, “Why are you buying another pair of black shoes? You already have half a dozen.” Inevitably, the answer will be something along the lines of, “But I don’t have anything to go with…”(the dots being whatever is the newest outfit). Trust me. Just go with it.

And following along those lines, I have learned that if I want to compliment a woman, I often compliment her shoes. I do this routinely. I’m not being insincere nor am I being “gay.” If I happen to think a pair of shoes looks smart and complements her outfit and her, I will tell her that I like her shoes. This is something that matters to many women. It is also a nice way of complimenting them without having to worry very much about being accused of sexual harassment. But let me add this caveat. Doing it insincerely or following it up with some crude comment is not a good thing.

I have learned that flowers are never wrong. If you cannot think of anything else to buy a woman as a gift, flowers are ALWAYS a good idea. (And I don’t mean grab a handful of dandelions or roses out of your neighbor’s yard, I mean flowers purchased in a store. It does not have to be a fancy floral shop, either. I often buy flowers at my local supermarket. They all have floral department and can even do up a very nice gift bouquet.) Does it have to be roses? No, although roses are very nice. In the entire 37+ years I have been in a relationship with my wife, I have given her flowers many, many times. In all that time, I have only given her flowers ONCE as an apology. (And that was a big, bad, relationship-shaking thing I did.) But when it occurs to me, I will grab a bouquet and bring it home. The only occasion on which I regularly give her flowers is the anniversary of our first date. And before she retired they were always delivered at work. (And the couple years where I missed, one of which was in the badly depressed year, she was extremely upset.) Let me tell you. If you want to make your woman feel good about herself, have flowers delivered at work. I guarantee all her co-workers WILL sit up and take notice. (Kind of like the commercial for Vermont Teddy Bears where the guy has one delivered to his girlfriend’s office.) But since repetition is a good way of remembering, here it is again: Flowers are never wrong.

I have learned that remembering certain dates is another good thing. I happen to have an extraordinary good long-term memory and I’m very good with facts and dates. I learned early on that remembering birthdays and anniversaries, at a minimum, is important. It matter how I remember them, whether I write them on a wall calendar, in MS Outlook at work or simply commit them to memory (always dangerous as the sole method). I keep track! I have learned that she remembers these dates. It doesn’t matter so much to her HOW I managed to remember; but that I took the effort TO remember.

I have learned that if you are in a committed relationship (which hopefully implies that you love her), as the Billy Joel song says, “Tell her about it!” Even if I think that I convey that love and affection with every breath I take, she still likes the reassurance of hearing me say that I love her. (And if there is an issue with saying it out loud, the question “why” needs to be asked.) And this does not mean just necessarily saying the words. Words said insincerely are as bad as not said at all. I have discovered that women are sensitive to much of what is unsaid or implied. They know when you are bull-sh*tting them.

Something that my mother taught me that has been counterproductive and that I unlearned is what was behind her warning that, “Some girls will lead you on.” What I finally figured out was that she meant some girls will want to have sex with you. While I have not had a huge breadth of experience with many different partners, I have learned that women like sex, too. I came damn close to fumbling my soon to be relationship with my wife in university by being a “gentleman” and ignoring a very clear invitation. From the moment I left her dorm and walked back to my fraternity in the snow and cold, I kicked myself for being too much the “gentleman” to make the move we both knew we wanted. When I did so the next night, it took a lot more convincing. Lesson learned.

Something else I learned from my mother was that women do not like household items for gifts. One year, I gave her a neat gadget that took a potato and made it into instant sticks for French fries for Mother’s Day. The trauma that she inflicted for that choice of gifts left a scar that took my wife a long time to overcome. Even when she wanted something like a new vacuum cleaner, I could not bring myself to buy it because it was not a “personal” item. I finally learned to listen carefully to things that she says she wants regardless of what they are. I came to understand it was the listening and “hearing” part that was important to her.

I have learned that unless a woman is asking for the solution to a problem, she does not want one. Men are great problem solvers. Often when a woman is complaining about something, all she wants is to have a sympathetic ear. I know that empathy and sympathy go a long way. It has been my experience that providing an arm around the shoulders and a shoulder for her to lean on and a willingness to listen without problem-solving means a lot. The times when I forget that and allow my male hard-wiring to go into problem-solving mode have resulted in annoyance at best and anger at worst.

I have learned that when I get into an argument with my wife (and the same applied to several other women), and I take the glib advice of “apologize immediately even if you’re right,” she gets even angrier. I’m not very good with conflict and used to apologize immediately hoping the issue would evaporate. I learned that such behavior only causes another problem on top of the original one. Where a man would immediately accept the apology as an acknowledgement of having “won,” I have observed that women consider it insincere.

In conclusion, let me say that none of what I have said here has been researched in any empirical sense. These are anecdotal observations that I have made over the years. I report them not as an attempt at behavior modification. I have also observed that while there are some women who prefer “bad boy” types who treat them like crap, by and large, the women with whom I come in contact like someone who evidences a certain degree of sensitivity. In my younger days, that sensitivity and empathy sometime made it very difficult for me to convert a friendship into something more. Ultimately, however, when it did help, it has lasted for 37 years with no end in sight.